So, hear me out. This is just a theory I have with absolutely no basis whatsoever in fact that I’m sharing with all of you.
My husband has almost no fear at all. I don’t mean about dangerous things — he’s not an idiot. But he doesn’t have the kind of anxiety and worry that has dogged me my whole life.
He’s a big guy, is my Eric. He’s descended from knights and Vikings, those who have written the history books. He strides through this world as if it were tailor made for him — not with arrogance, but with an assured sense of self.
I, on the other hand, am a very small creature with a rapid heartbeat, a dry mouth, and an urge to please.
In Chinese astrology, Eric is an ox; I am a rabbit. He plows the ground with long, steady movement, he is reliable, stable, and hardy. I start strong and quickly lose steam. I often need to put my big bunny feet up and to maybe chomp on a carrot or two.
So here’s my theory. I think we are descended from different lines of monkeys. (I know apes aren’t monkeys, but “monkey” is a funnier word so I’m using it.)
I think the monkeys Eric came from were large, strong alpha-monkeys. They were kings of the open spaces and the mountaintops.
I think the monkeys I came from were tiny little tree-monkeys. They were quick and clever, and did whatever was necessary to be part of the troop. They had to hunt for food and look out for predators — and please the big alpha-monkeys if they wanted protection.
This need of the tree-monkeys to be constantly aware of everything, all the time, eventually — as we became humans — morphed into anxiety.
That’s my theory. That my anxiety is part of my DNA. It’s been with my ancestors for millennia. Then throw in my nomadic Jewish forebears and my Italian heritage and you end up with people who were just born to feel everything.
Is it any wonder that I am the way I am?
Yes, some of it is trauma, and hormones, and life, and definitely it’s currently exacerbated by the benzo withdrawal symptoms.
But I also think it’s monkey-related.
So, how big is your monkey?
It's Anglo settler-colonist stock, luv, and being tall and American — we don't experience the world the same way as others because we have fewer threats. The Master of my Sufi order once said, "I saw you walking down the street today like you own the world."
"I don't?"
You're cuter, so.