The Taper Caper

Dancing to a new benzo beat

Dr. Heather Ashton, from the very useful benzoinfo.com website.

I had to updose, back in November, after doing some damage to my central nervous system by trying to go off of clonazepam cold-turkey.

I didn’t even know what the word “updose” was. It means my doctor reinstated my medication, or else I may have had seizures and/or a stroke.

Now that I’ve talked to professionals and others who are in the same boat as I am, I know that there’s a whole world of people in a whole world of benzo hurt out there. It’s kind of incredible, actually.

And thanks to one person, the late Dr. Heather Ashton, there is an actual set of instructions on how to wean yourself off of this poison without getting dead.

The Ashton Manual (free online for all) is the gold standard on how to very slowly taper off of benzodiazepines. In some cases, people take years, shaving tiny little bits off of their pills, or even going to a liquid solution, or jumping from a medication like Xanax, with a very short half-life, to Valium, which has a long half-life and can be cut down to almost nothing. Sort of like walking from the shallow end of the swimming pool into the deep, where you can push off and swim on your own.

However withdrawal symptoms, unfortunately, kick in as soon as you make the first cut. And continue all the way through. Not for everyone — results may vary. Some people can get off of them in a month or two, with very few symptoms. Some people take years and never get off, and are bedridden, or brain-damaged, or have constant twitching, or just go stark raving bananas.

Like Forrest Gump said, “You never know what you’re going to get.”

And let me just reiterate that benzodiazepines did not come with a warning on tapering off of them on their labels until 2020. My own doctor was not familiar with the Ashton Manual, but once I showed it to her, she was on board to help in any way she could. This was a very good thing, since medical supervision during any tapering or titration is highly recommended.

I am now down to a very small dose a day. And I’m going to stay here for a while.

It does teach you to trust your intuition, this tapering. I have to go with my gut. I need to stay here before I continue the taper. My symptoms are a little overwhelming, even though they’re mild compared to others.

It pays for me to just stay in the moment, something I’ve never been particularly swell at doing, and have conversations with myself. The answers are clear when I really listen.